At the first part of this year, I thought I was happy–well mostly–with the guy I was with at the time. If you have followed this blog over the year, then you know that ended in the spring. At the first part of 2007, I took a course called the Landmark Forum that forever changed my life. It was that guy who told me about it. I hadn’t heard of it before. I wish I had.

Out of doing that course, I now speak to my sister the way you think sisters should be (close, maybe even friends). For more than 20 years, we had a “fine” relationship. That meant we barely spoke at all during the year. We saw each other once a year at either Thanksgiving or Christmas and probably spoke fewer than 20 words to each other over several days. And that was an improvement over the previous 15  years when we could be civil for 24 hours and after that it was bitter remarks behind the other’s back and often outright hostility.  Now we talk several times a month. We try for once a week, but it doesn’t always happen. She’s taking the course in January. I now know things about my sister that I never knew. We also talk for an hour or more if we get the chance. Otherwise we speak quickly during the time we have before she has to run after one of her kids.

The next big thing to come just from that course was being able to speak with my ex-husband. For 15 years, we couldn’t have a phone call that either ended in tears (for me), yelling and one of us hanging up on the other. One conversation on a Sunday afternoon changed that forever. Even how I thought of him changed. My son noticed the difference, so he wanted to take the course and did so in the spring.

I really got freed up from all my internal dialogue. You know…that voice in your head…the one that says nasty things most of the time and on a good day just tells you that you can’t do it. A calmness had settled in, at least compared to how I had been. I went on to the Advanced Course immediately after the first to get who I was and who I wanted to be.

I learned a hard lesson in the spring. One I keep having to learn because I just don’t deal well with it. Sometimes when you do things with your whole heart and soul from pure unconditional love, you get back pure hostility and hatred. I came out of two courses and was in the middle of the third when this first happened. I was devastated–at least I felt that way. Once again I saw that being myself (really being who I am) just wasn’t acceptable.

More in part 2…