Most likely while I was sleeping. Apparently overnight I have become rather popular. No, not my webpage–personally. I don’t know exactly when this occurred. I don’t know how or why it happened. Suddenly people come up to me–ones I know, ones I sort of know, ones I don’t know. It’s far more frequent than it used to be. If they don’t actually come up to me, they somehow indicate that they want to talk to me. It seems like some sort of attractive fairy dust has been sprinkled over me. I suppose I should enjoy it while it lasts. Now if only I could get sprinkled with some money fairy dust. That would be nice.

So what is a gal to do when she

a) has what seems to be carpal tunnel

b) put out her lower back carrying the cat litter inside

c) every time she bends or lifts needs to urgently run to the bathroom (now going on 3 days)

d) is flying the red flag and has all the nuisances that come along with it?

Oh, it’s too hot here to sleep. See this heat wave means my house reaches outside temperature (95 plus) by 5 pm and barely cools off by 5 am. I’m certainly not going to be getting any action. I hardly feel up to meeting anyone for any reason. And there’s this long weekend coming up. This weekend it really will be me sitting and looking at the swinging party goers. The swingers convention is in town. Perhaps I should go just to have a laugh just like the picture above. I’ll bring my cat too.

Any suggestions that don’t involve hurting others or myself?

I have spent a bit too much time lately looking over my life. Where I’ve been…where I’m going. Here’s another question I have pondered over the years:

I think the answer is “no.” Although it did mean I graduated. Unfortunately the cool research I did has been perfectly useless in finding a job.

I have been so lax about posting lately. I know I didn’t post for several days.  I spent 8 hours on Saturday in the leadership program I signed up for. I can’t go into much detail here because I don’t want to overstep what they want said about their program. I don’t want to have to get approval before I write. However, I think I can safely express my experience.

Saturday was good because I got to see some of the people in the program. I knew a few who were in it, but it was interesting to see who else was there. It was mostly administrative stuff the whole day. Kind of a “welcome to the next 6 1/2 months of your life” thing. Again I wondered what I had gotten myself into. But as I have spent more time volunteering (they refer to it as assisting, which it is…but everyone in the world understands volunteering), I actually like it. I would rather be there than just about anywhere else.

I had the experience of being rather popular lately. I have been asked to help with all kinds of things. I have been asked to coffee, asked to share a hotel room on the weekends the leadership program meets in San Francisco. Always being asked to do something. I have been asked to help on other committees too.

I am rather surprised by all this. Everyone I have talked to thinks I’m crazy to be surprised. I realize why. I actually internalized someone else’s opinion of me and made it my own. I allowed this person to disrespect me, and in the process, I didn’t respect myself. I can hardly believe that after all these years I allowed that to happen again. It is a pattern I thought I broke a long time ago.

On other news, I’m still looking for something to pay the bills. The startup hasn’t quite come through yet. Soon, I think, but not soon enough.

Just when I thought I would have a reprieve from the Friday sex post… No seminar this week, but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t homework. Now don’t let your mind run too far. This homework is all about looking at your ideas and thoughts around sex and having discussions with others. Frankly, I’m tired of talking about it this week. I did my homework. I have analyzed the parts we were assigned. I figured out my “act.” What I pretend about sex. What I hide. Enough! After a discussion this morning with a friend, I’m not feeling all that great about the whole thing. Honestly, if all I get is to be fully present then my seminar was well worth it. Like many women, I often have other thoughts pop into my head at the time. They could be as mundane as the mental list of things that I need to do, the cobwebs that need removed from the ceiling (cleaning…never ending), or thinking “this isn’t working.” We have just started the seminar so what to do about those things we’ve all found out about ourselves hasn’t been addressed. It will be.

The picture above is the molecular structure of sodium ethyl xanthate (SEX). Really…What did you think I would post?

There probably is no help. I’m not completely uncoordinated, but last night’s dance class would make you think otherwise. I don’t know what happened or what was going on with me. I just couldn’t get the movements right. If everyone was moving right, I went left. I couldn’t remember the steps that I know. Today I’m too tired to care.

The leadership program I signed up for is nearly beginning. I have a fairly full schedule this week with volunteering (not the word they use, but truly what it is). Every day I wonder what I signed up for and wonder if I will finish. Lots don’t.

I got into gear today and nearly completed my project from the last course. It took looking at my calendar and seeing how full it is getting to realize that I absolutely had to finish soon. I have a few minor things to take care of now and then, but nothing very urgent.

The latest seminar I signed up for has us get into small groups. Guess who is a leader again? Of course. I swear they were all looking at me as their leader before any introductions were made. Can they follow a simple request to respond to an email? No. Here we go again. But we all leave near each other, so I’m sure we can meet many times. That’s the plan, but they don’t realize it yet. I know I should be honored to be the leader. Being the leader isn’t so bad, except that I get annoyed and upset when the group doesn’t take the course seriously. Nothing like people doing things half-a**ed to irritate me. Me? I’m all or nothing. There is no in between.

Every time I get on the highway near my house, I am reminded of my childhood. For some reason this year, cattails are growing next to the on-ramp.

As a kid, I always saw cattails around one of the ponds on the golf course. I don’t know why I always liked them. They do look a little like a cat’s tail. My mother dried them and preserved them, so there were some cattails in the house in floor vase. I liked the way they felt–all velvety. I always felt sad when they fluffed out and the wind carried the fluffy seeds away. I think they look best when they are brown.

I want to post here one of my favorite Jewish stories. I have always wanted to be like this person–to see the best in people. While I don’t see it every time, I am getting closer to that goal. I have found and lost this story more times than I wish to count, so I am posting it here.

On Sunday afternoons, the Rebbe (Menachem Mendel Schneerson) would stand outside the door of his office to greet and bestow a blessing upon anyone who came to see him. He would often stand for hours as thousands of people filed by, many of them seeking a blessing or advice about a personal matter or spiritual dilemma. The Rebbe was once asked how he had the strength to stand all day, sometimes for seven or eight hours, to accommodate everyone. The Rebbe beamed and replied:  “When you’re counting diamonds, you don’t get tired. (Foreword to “Diamonds of the Rebbe”, Mordechai Staiman)“

That’s an optimistic title. With all the long hours people keep here, I doubt there is much sex going on. You’re either getting it or not. Enough or not enough. Great, good or bad.

I had a slow start to my morning because of insomnia. I have been having a difficult time getting to sleep before midnight anyway, but last night was the first seminar of the sex and intimacy series, so I was awake until after 1 a.m. The seminars always make you feel be bit energized afterwards, so it often takes an hour to calm down enough to sleep. It took two hours for me to calm down last night and a benedryl. I wouldn’t have gotten to sleep when I did without it.

I would like to talk more about the seminar, but I can’t give away too much. However, it certainly got me and everyone else thinking about all the stuff (meaning, neurosis, etc.) we all have about sex. Society and our parents didn’t really help us much, but then they didn’t have a lot of help either.

Oh, before everyone gets too excited. This seminar is all talk and analysis. No practicals in class.

Since I have the seminar on most Thursdays, I think Fridays will be the sex post. Something to look forward to!