Fifteen years ago today, I stood before justice of the peace, seven months pregnant and got married. My mother was there. I don’t remember the other witness. I can say that no one should do significant and life changing things on holidays–as you will remember it forever. I don’t remember every year, but it has come to mind this year. Perhaps because I have been going over a lot of stuff in my life–a lot of idiotic things I’ve done. This was one. Why? I got married because I thought it was the right thing to do according to family and society. Never, ever do anything for those reasons. I remember the horrible headache and voice I heard screaming in my head “NO!” when I was asked to say “I do.” It is the biggest regret of my life, and nothing seems to change that. Not time. Not other people telling me I should have no regrets. All the signs were there that I chose to ignore because I was caught up in doing the right thing.

I have been divorced for nearly 14 years now. I have yet to figure out if that really means anything. If my life had gone a different course, perhaps I’d still be unmarried.

I had no party. No dress. No cake. No honeymoon. No friends. No family–except my mother. Our relationship was a bit strained at the time. While it sounds unusual, people in my family get married that way: civil ceremony, immediate family only. My sister has been the only one who had a wedding.