While it may seem terrible to be alone for Thanksgiving, I would find it much worse to be visiting my family. Now, not all of them are awful. It’s just that Thanksgiving is always at my aunt’s house. Mrs. Where’s-Your-Boyfriend?-A-Woman-Is-Nothing-Without-a-Man. It’s terribly annoying. I’ve been tempted over the years to harass them by saying “or my girlfriend.” I think it’s funny. My mother doesn’t.

This year I will be missing out on bone-dry turkey. I hate turkey anyway, but my aunt’s is the worst. You can’t even choke it down. There’s not enough water in the house to manage it. Although with all the people who come to her house, alcohol and lots of it is the best choice. The last time I was at her house for Thanksgiving, I was groped by one of her relatives. Seems the guy thought it was appropriate to grab my thigh. In any other setting, the guy would have gotten what was coming to him. However, in this case, I was completely unprepared. The same gross relatives will be at her house this year. Some are retired farmers. Over the years, I have heard more about pigs than I care to. I don’t even eat pork. I certainly don’t want to hear about the trials of pig farming. Her whole side of the family is quite crude. Manners are non-existent. They smell funny. Eau du pig is apparently incredibly difficult to remove.

This year the latest news is that my one cousin, who can’t stay out of prison and away from drugs, will be going back to prison again. While that is enough to talk about, that’s not the whole story. So far she’s had two children by two different fathers who are being raised by her sister. The dirty secret in the family is that the fathers are Mexican. Oh God. Call the police. What can I say? The family has issues. Anyway, this gal has another child, by another Mexican father, and is off to prison again. My mother’s opinion is that is what you get when you tell your kids that they need men or boyfriends. Neither my cousin nor her sister has chosen well. Her sister is on her second marriage…to a second cop. Apparently she goes for police officers without money. Again, call the old-fashioned morality police in. Supposedly in my family according to the women (not my mother), you’re supposed to marry better. Better means rich. Any marriage problems you have are because you didn’t marry “better.” Hmm. Is it any wonder that my mother is divorced and single for nearly two decades? How about her brother? My aunt is his second wife and her two daughters are from a previous marriage. My uncle’s daughter divorced recently after waiting to marry in her 40s. Only my uncle’s son is still married to the same woman. My sister is still married. Not sure how long that might last.

My mother taught me and my sister not to rely on men. It was probably a good lesson considering her experience. I’m just glad she doesn’t hold the same views, but I do get tired of hearing about it.

I remember being put at the “kids’ table” until I got married. I absolutely hated it. I was well past being a kid. It’s torture as a teen or college student having to sit with little kids. After a few years at the adult table, I wanted to go back to the kids’ table. At least there, bad manners were excusable, and I didn’t have to hear about pig farming.

So while I may be cooking for one person, one dog and four cats, I’d rather be doing that than dealing with the weirdness of my family. I would rather not subject others to the family weirdness either. So even if I had a boyfriend worthy of bringing home during the holidays, I’m sure the guy would rather be with his own family—even if they are stranger than mine.

I’ll be seeing the family at Christmas this year. I’ve heard that fewer relatives will be around then. I’m traveling on Christmas Eve, so it’s possible that I will miss the family festivities that night.

Technorati: Thanksgiving, family, holidays